Odd Jobs

Yet another week threatens to pass without a definitive start date for employment. For my sanity's sake, I've started applying to jobs in which I'd normally never consider. I've found that I'm adept at justifying my credentials.

Body Guards Needed: A high profile New Age guru will be visiting Southern Oregon, including Ashland in early September. First off, there's nobody I'd rather work for than a high profile New Age guru. I'm also heavily trained in supervision, with an additional 26 years of attentive people watching. I like walkie talkies and surveillance videos. I'm reluctantly willing to take a bullet for most people. Restraint trained as well. I'm bigger than most and believe me, I'd have no trouble telling an overzealous hipster to BACK OFF.

Bible Study Group Leader: First United Methodist Church of Ashland is seeking a Bible Study Group Leader for Sunday meetings. I've lead various groups for years. I love round-table discussions. I love pondering. I love coffee shops, bagels and breakfast burritos. I'd get paid to meet and converse with kind,  devoted Christians whom I really do admire. I'd do my homework as well - lying in bed on Saturday night highlighting passages from the bible (I've always wondered what that would feel like).  And I'd only challenge my students with easily refuted questions that would further solidify their faith in the bestselling book of all time. Qualified? Yes.

Actors for Dinner Theater: Looking for actors for our Community Theater Group Performing Dinner Theaters. Now, is dinner theater something that takes place while others eat, or does the performance itself center around a dinner table in which the actors sit? If dinner theatre is the latter, count me in. I’d be a terrible actor on stage if I had to stand but terrific at a table. I’m comfortable, confident and loose when sitting. I have an expressive face and long arms. There'd be plenty for me to fidget with between lines - silverware, food and such.  Although I’d be pretty shaky with memorizing lines, I could improv at a dinner table all night long. I could dine with celebrity socialites on Friday, border patrol on Saturday, Sivananda Ashram Yoga farmers on Sunday, without ever skipping a beat. I’m a dining-room actor with range, an undiscovered dinner theater superstar.